Unhealthy Attachment: Understanding the Patterns That Hold Us Back

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Positive attachment is an integral part of healthy human development, which is why Abraham Maslow included it as a foundational tier in his hierarchy of needs. From the moment we are born, our survival depends on the bonds we form with caregivers. And as I explore in my Attachment Types course, these early relationships lay the groundwork for how we connect with others throughout life.

But when these bonds are fraught with inconsistency, neglect, or emotional unavailability, we may develop unhealthy attachment patterns that affect our relationships, sense of self, and emotional wellbeing well into adulthood. Studies have shown that these adverse affects of unhealthy attachment stem from 'stunted brain development' that occurs when a child is subjected to 'abuse and neglect.' This 'produces an adult PFC [prefrontal cortex] that is smaller, thinner, and with less gray matter,' (Determined). It's worth reflecting on the fact that the PFC is instrumental in regulating social behaviour, self-soothing and rationalising the future outcomes of our present actions.

In this blog, we’ll explore what unhealthy attachment looks like, where it comes from, how it impacts adult life, and ways to begin the healing process. But first, let’s familiarise ourselves with what attachment is.

What Is attachment?

Attachment theory, pioneered by John Bowlby and further developed by Mary Ainsworth, proposes that the way a child bonds with their primary caregiver forms an internal working model for future relationships. These attachment styles are generally grouped into four types:

Secure attachment – formed when caregivers are consistently responsive and attuned.

Anxious attachment – resulting from inconsistent caregiving.

Avoidant attachment – emerging from emotional unavailability or rejection.

Disorganised attachment – typically linked to trauma or fear-based caregiving.

Unhealthy attachment refers to patterns that arise from the latter three styles. These patterns are often unconscious and can manifest in adult relationships, particularly romantic ones, as well as in friendships, work dynamics, and self-concept. For a more comprehensive overview, see my other blog What Is Attachment.

Essential reading: A Secure Base

Signs of unhealthy attachment in adults

Unhealthy attachment can show up in a variety of ways, including:

• Fear of abandonment – constantly needing reassurance or validation.

• Emotional dependency – relying excessively on a partner for self-worth or identity.

• Avoidance of intimacy – difficulty trusting others or letting them get close.

• Jealousy and control – attempts to manage insecurity through controlling behaviour.

• People-pleasing – putting others’ needs above one’s own to avoid rejection.

• Difficulty being alone – feeling anxious or incomplete when not in a relationship.

• Self-sabotage – unconsciously pushing people away or expecting the worst.

These behaviours are not signs of a weak personality; they are adaptive strategies that were once necessary for emotional survival. The problem arises when these strategies become fixed patterns that limit growth and healthy connection.

How unhealthy attachment develops

Unhealthy attachment stems from early relational experiences. Children need consistent emotional attunement from caregivers – not perfection, but a reliable sense that their needs matter. When this is lacking, children adapt by developing strategies to get their needs met, or by suppressing their needs altogether.

• In anxious attachment, a child learns that love is inconsistent, leading to hyper-vigilance and clinginess.

• In avoidant attachment, a child learns that expressing needs leads to rejection, so they suppress emotions and become self-reliant.

• In disorganised attachment, a child experiences both fear and desire for closeness, often due to abuse or unpredictable caregiving.

These strategies become internalised and influence how adults approach intimacy, manage conflict and regulate emotions.

Impacts of poor attachment on relationships

Unhealthy attachment can lead to relational instability. For example:

• An anxiously attached person might fall into a pattern of pursuing unavailable partners, interpreting emotional distance as rejection and struggling with jealousy or clinginess.

• An avoidantly attached person may become uncomfortable with closeness, shut down during conflict, or push partners away when emotional needs arise.

• Those with disorganised attachment may oscillate between needing connection and fearing it, resulting in chaotic or high-conflict relationships.

These patterns can create a cycle of unmet needs, disappointment and distress – often reinforcing the very fears they are trying to avoid.

Essential reading: The Making and Breaking of Affectional Bonds

Unhealthy attachment and mental health

The effects of unhealthy attachment are not limited to relationships. They also impact:

• Self-esteem – Individuals may base their self-worth on others' approval or withdraw completely from emotional connection to avoid vulnerability.

• Emotion regulation – Unhealthy attachment often contributes to mood swings, anxiety, or emotional numbing.

• Boundary-setting – People may struggle to say no, fear conflict, or avoid assertiveness due to fear of rejection or abandonment.

• Sense of identity – When one’s emotional development has been shaped by insecurity, it can be difficult to develop a stable sense of self.

• Authenticity – People may find it difficult to express their authentic self. This typically results in them conforming to group norms even if they conflict with their inner values.

In some cases, unresolved attachment issues may contribute to conditions such as anxiety disorders, depression, or complex trauma responses.

Related: Try these Grounding Exercises for Anxiety

Healing unhealthy attachment

The good news is that attachment patterns are not fixed. With self-awareness, support, and therapeutic intervention, it is possible to move towards a more secure way of relating.

Here are some key steps in the healing process:

1. Awareness and insight

Understanding your attachment style is the first step. Reflecting on past relationships, emotional triggers and habitual responses can reveal the patterns that no longer serve you. To facilitate the exploration of your attachment type, I created a resource that you may find helpful.

2. Therapeutic support

Attachment-focused therapy, including approaches such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Schema Therapy, Internal Family Systems (IFS), or Psychodynamic Therapy, can help unpack the emotional roots of these patterns. Therapists provide a secure base from which clients can explore vulnerabilities and develop new relational templates.

3. Re-parenting the self

Healing often involves developing the inner resources that were missing in childhood – self-compassion, emotional regulation, and the ability to meet one’s own needs. This can be supported by practices such as journaling, inner child work, or somatic experiencing.

4. Building secure relationships

Not all healing happens in therapy. Relationships that are reliable, kind and accepting offer powerful opportunities to form secure attachments. This might involve seeking healthier friendships, setting better boundaries, or learning to tolerate vulnerability and trust.

5. Mindfulness and emotional regulation

Developing the ability to sit with uncomfortable emotions without acting impulsively is crucial. Mindfulness meditation, breathwork, or compassionate self-talk can help build a sense of internal safety.

Moving towards secure attachment

A secure attachment style isn’t about never feeling anxious or avoidant – it’s about being able to recognise those feelings, manage them and stay open to connection. People with secure attachment can express needs clearly, respect boundaries, tolerate relational challenges and feel worthy of love.

While healing attachment wounds can be a long process, every step taken towards awareness and self-compassion contributes to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

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Final thoughts

Unhealthy attachment patterns are common and understandable responses to early relational environments. They are not a sign of brokenness but of unmet needs. The path to healing begins with recognising those needs, offering them compassion and choosing relationships – with others and with oneself – that support growth and security.

With the right support and a willingness to explore the past, it is entirely possible to shift towards a healthier, more secure attachment style. In doing so, we open the door to deeper intimacy, greater emotional resilience, and a more compassionate relationship with ourselves.

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About Dr Laura Allen –

A Chartered Psychologist & Integrative Therapist, Dr. Allen specialises in a broad range of therapeutic methods. She is a published author of numerous research papers and Interactive Courses in the field of Psychology. Dr. Allen works one-to-one with clients and supervises other practitioners. She is also a proud member of the British Psychological Society assessment team supporting psychologists in training.