Understanding Disorganised Attachment: The Push-Pull of Connection and Fear

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Attachment theory offers a powerful lens for understanding how our early experiences shape the way we relate to others. While many are familiar with secure, anxious, or avoidant attachment styles, disorganised attachment (sometimes referred to as fearful-avoidant attachment) is less widely understood.

Yet for those who live with it, this style can create intense emotional turmoil in relationships, characterised by an ongoing inner conflict between the longing for closeness and the fear of intimacy.

What is disorganised attachment?

Disorganised attachment is considered the most complex and unstable of the four primary attachment styles. Unlike anxious or avoidant individuals, who typically develop a consistent (though unhelpful) strategy for navigating relationships, people with disorganised attachment lack a clear, cohesive approach. They often display contradictory behaviours – seeking connection one moment, then withdrawing or becoming emotionally unavailable the next.

At its core, disorganised attachment reflects a deep psychological tension. The individual wants to be loved and supported, yet simultaneously fears being hurt, rejected, or overwhelmed by emotional closeness. This creates an ongoing cycle of approach and avoidance in relationships, often leading to instability, confusion, and emotional distress.

Origins: early experiences of fear and inconsistency

Disorganised attachment usually stems from early relational trauma. This might include experiences such as:

• Neglect or emotional unavailability

• Abuse (physical, sexual, or emotional)

• Caregivers who were frightening or unpredictable

• Exposure to unresolved trauma or mental health issues in caregivers

In these environments, the child faces an impossible situation. The caregiver – the very person they are biologically wired to seek out for safety and comfort – may also be the source of fear or pain. This creates a paradox: the child wants to turn to the caregiver but feels unsafe doing so.

Without a reliable strategy for managing this dilemma, the child develops a disorganised attachment style, characterised by fragmented responses to stress and confusion about how to engage in relationships. Over time, this unresolved trauma becomes internalised, shaping adult relational patterns.

Parental attachment status

But it’s not just explicit trauma, neglect or emotional volatility that adversely affect a child’s attachment type. Another powerful influencing factor is the attachment status of the parent or primary caregiver. A series of studies conducted in the early 90s showed that parental attachment status strongly correlates with infant attachment.

The findings suggested that parents who exhibited ‘unresolved attachment’ were significantly more likely to raise children with ‘attachment D’ (disorganised). As described by E. Hesse and associates, since the initial studies, ‘Six additional investigations of the relation between unresolved parental attachment status and infant D [disorganised] attachment have been conducted’ and the ‘majority’ reported ‘highly significant linkages’ (Healing Trauma: Attachment, Mind, Body & Brain).

Key characteristics of disorganised attachment in adults

In adult relationships, disorganised attachment can manifest in a variety of ways:

1. Emotional push-pull

One of the most prominent features is a back-and-forth dynamic. A person with disorganised attachment may intensely pursue closeness and reassurance but then become overwhelmed and push their partner away once intimacy deepens. This can be bewildering for both partners and often leads to relationship breakdowns.

2. Difficulty trusting others

Trust is often fragile or absent. People with disorganised attachment may expect betrayal, abandonment, or emotional harm, even in the absence of concrete evidence. This mistrust can lead to controlling behaviours, emotional withdrawal, or sabotaging relationships.

3. Intense fear of abandonment and rejection

Like those with anxious attachment, individuals may worry about being rejected or left. However, their fear is compounded by a lack of emotional stability, leading to unpredictable reactions – such as becoming clingy one moment and distant the next.

4. Struggles with emotional regulation

Early trauma can disrupt the development of self-soothing mechanisms, making it difficult to manage intense emotions. Adults with disorganised attachment may experience emotional outbursts, dissociation, anxiety, or depression, particularly in the context of close relationships.

5. Low self-worth

There is often a deeply rooted sense of shame, unworthiness, or the belief that they are “too much” or “not enough” to be truly loved. These feelings can interfere with the ability to form healthy, reciprocal connections.

6. Re-enactment of trauma patterns

Without awareness or therapeutic support, people with disorganised attachment may unconsciously seek out relationships that mirror their early experiences. This might involve choosing emotionally unavailable, abusive, or unpredictable partners, thereby reinforcing their internal model of relationships as unsafe.

Disorganised attachment on relationships

The disorganised attachment style can significantly impair both romantic and platonic relationships. Partners may feel confused, hurt, or frustrated by the inconsistency and emotional volatility. Communication can break down, trust becomes difficult to establish, and mutual understanding may feel out of reach.

Over time, these patterns can lead to relationship fatigue, where both individuals feel emotionally drained. The disorganised individual may also isolate themselves to avoid the pain of potential rejection, further deepening feelings of loneliness and disconnection.

Pathways to disorganised attachment

The good news is that attachment styles are not fixed. With the right support, people with disorganised attachment can begin to understand their patterns, heal from past trauma, and build more secure, stable relationships.

1. Therapy

Trauma-informed and attachment-based therapies are especially beneficial. These may include:

• Internal family systems (IFS) – helps individuals work with “parts” of the self that developed as defences in early life.

• Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) – supports the processing of traumatic memories.

• Sensorimotor psychotherapy – integrates body awareness into trauma recovery.

• Compassion-focused therapy (CFT) – helps build self-compassion and reduce shame.

• Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) – particularly helpful for couples dealing with attachment wounds.

A safe, attuned therapeutic relationship can offer the first experience of consistent emotional availability, acting as a corrective emotional experience.

2. Psychoeducation

Learning about attachment theory and recognising one's own patterns is a powerful first step. Many individuals find relief simply in knowing that their behaviours are understandable responses to early relational trauma – not personal failings.

3. Building secure relationships

Though challenging, cultivating relationships with emotionally safe and consistent people can slowly begin to shift internal working models. Trust builds gradually, often through repeated experiences of being heard, accepted, and not abandoned.

4. Developing emotional regulation skills

Mindfulness, grounding techniques, and self-soothing strategies can help manage intense emotions and foster a greater sense of safety in the body.

5. Self-compassion

Shame is a central feature of disorganised attachment. Developing a more compassionate relationship with oneself is crucial for healing. Practices such as journaling, guided meditations, or engaging in creative expression can support this growth.

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Final thoughts

Disorganised attachment may feel overwhelming at times, but it is important to remember that it developed as a survival strategy in response to overwhelming or unsafe environments. It speaks to the strength and adaptability of the human mind, even in the face of relational trauma.

With time, awareness, and the right kind of support, it is entirely possible to move towards greater emotional security, build trust in oneself and others, and experience the connection that was once feared.

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Further reading

Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development.

Liotti, G. (2004). Disorganized attachment in the pathogenesis of dissociative disorders.

Siegel, D. J. (2010). The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are.

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About Dr Laura Allen –

A Chartered Psychologist & Integrative Therapist, Dr. Allen specialises in a broad range of therapeutic methods. She is a published author of numerous research papers in the field of Positive Psychology. Dr. Allen works one-to-one with clients and supervises other practitioners. She is also a proud member of the British Psychological Society assessment team supporting psychologists in training.