Avoidant Attachment in Relationships: Understanding the Defence Against Intimacy

Dr Laura Allen
Jul 9
5 min read

Updated: Aug 4

A couple that are displaying avoidant attachment styles.

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Have you ever been close to someone who pulls away just when intimacy starts to deepen? Or have you felt the urge to retreat from closeness yourself, despite craving connection? These patterns often stem from an avoidant attachment style – a subtle yet powerful strategy for managing vulnerability in adult relationships.

Avoidant attachment in relationships is one of the primary insecure attachment styles described in developmental psychology. It is characterised by emotional distancing, difficulty trusting others, and an over-reliance on self-sufficiency. While this may appear as aloofness or emotional unavailability, it often masks an underlying defence against emotional pain and dependency.

Drawing on attachment theory and the insights of British psychotherapist Linda Cundy, particularly her book Attachment and the Defence Against Intimacy (2018), this article explores the roots of avoidant attachment, how it manifests in adult relationships, and therapeutic approaches to support healing.

What is avoidant attachment?

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby (1969), posits that our early relationships with caregivers shape how we relate to others throughout life. When caregivers are consistently unresponsive, dismissive, or uncomfortable with emotional closeness, children may suppress their own attachment needs to preserve the relationship. This results in an avoidant attachment style.

Children who experience rejection or emotional neglect often learn that expressing need leads to disconnection. To cope, they turn inward, fostering a sense of independence that becomes defensive rather than adaptive. This strategy allows the child to survive emotionally but at the cost of limiting intimacy and emotional awareness. As adults, individuals with avoidant attachment often maintain distance in close relationships and struggle with trust, intimacy, and emotional dependence.

Signs of avoidant attachment in adults

Avoidant attachment manifests in numerous ways in adulthood. While behaviours may vary in intensity, common traits include:

Emotional distancing in relationships – Maintaining a buffer between self and others to avoid vulnerability.
Discomfort with emotional expression – Struggling to talk about feelings or respond to others’ emotional needs.
Fear of intimacy and emotional closeness – Interpreting closeness as threatening or overwhelming.
Dismissive avoidant behaviour – Minimising attachment needs or devaluing relationships.
Reluctance to rely on others – Viewing self-sufficiency as essential to identity and safety.
Suppression of needs – Feeling guilty or weak for wanting connection, leading to withdrawal.

These patterns can impact romantic partnerships, friendships, and even professional relationships creating an internal paradox of craving connection while fearing its consequences.

Attachment and the defence against intimacy

In Attachment and the Defence Against Intimacy (2018), Linda Cundy offers a nuanced view of avoidant attachment, not as a pathology, but as a defensive adaptation. She highlights that avoidance is often invisible and culturally reinforced especially in Western societies that value autonomy and emotional restraint.

Relevant Reading: Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure?

Cundy explains that avoidant individuals tend to present a “false self”- outwardly competent and emotionally unaffected, while inwardly disconnected from their own needs and longings. Intimacy is perceived as a threat to self-regulation and control, which were hard-won in childhood.

She writes:

“The defence against intimacy is not simply a desire to avoid closeness, but an unconscious protection against feeling emotionally overwhelmed, engulfed, or shamed.”

Avoidant individuals may also idealise early caregivers who failed to meet emotional needs. As Cundy notes, this can create a narrative that emotional suppression is a virtue – further entrenching the pattern.

How avoidant attachment affects relationships

The relational consequences of avoidant attachment can be significant. Partners may feel emotionally abandoned or confused by inconsistent engagement. Meanwhile, the avoidant individual may experience relationships as stressful, demanding, or claustrophobic.

Common dynamics include

Push-pull cycles – Moving toward intimacy, then abruptly pulling away when emotions arise.
Avoidance of dependency – Feeling threatened by a partner’s emotional needs.
Emotional minimisation – Dismissing or intellectualising emotional discussions.
Difficulty with conflict – Either withdrawing or becoming overly rational during emotionally charged moments.
Loss of interest after initial connection – Once a relationship becomes emotionally “real,” avoidant defences may resurface.

Over time, these patterns often lead to relationship dissatisfaction, loneliness, and the reinforcement of the belief that intimacy is unsafe.

Avoidant attachment and the brain

Modern attachment research, including the work of Allan Schore (2012) and Siegel (2010), suggests that avoidant attachment is embedded in right-brain development, especially in how individuals regulate affect and relate to others non-verbally.

Neuroscientific studies show that avoidant individuals often suppress activity in brain regions associated with emotional processing, such as the amygdala and insula, and instead rely on prefrontal control to manage feelings. This supports Cundy’s claim that avoidant people often live “in their heads” and mistrust their emotional experiences. This detachment is not merely cognitive, it is embodied and often automatic, shaped by developmental adaptations that once ensured survival.

Therapeutic approaches for avoidant attachment

Avoidant clients often enter therapy not for relational issues but for symptoms such as anxiety, depression, or existential disconnection. Working with avoidance requires a non-intrusive, attuned, and relationally sensitive approach.

1. Attachment-Informed psychotherapy

Therapists act as secure attachment figures, offering a relational space where emotional needs are acknowledged rather than dismissed. Cundy advises against pushing emotional expression too quickly, suggesting that respect for autonomy and pacing are crucial to maintaining trust.

2. Mentalisation-based therapy (MBT)

MBT supports clients in understanding both their own and others’ mental states. For avoidant individuals, this can develop emotional literacy and empathy without demanding immediate emotional vulnerability.

3. Emotionally focused therapy (EFT)

In couple settings, EFT helps partners identify the defensive patterns driving disconnection. The avoidant partner learns to recognise their deactivating strategies and build capacity for secure bonding.

4. Somatic and right-brain interventions

Because avoidance is often pre-verbal and somatic, approaches that engage body awareness, such as Sensorimotor Psychotherapy or Compassion-Focused Therapy, can help restore emotional integration.

Supporting change: From avoidance to secure attachment

The goal is not to eliminate avoidance entirely, but to build emotional flexibility so that closeness is no longer experienced as dangerous.

Steps in the healing process include

Naming the pattern – Understanding avoidant attachment normalises the experience and reduces shame.
Exploring early relationships – Reconnecting with unmet needs and childhood adaptations.
Practising emotional expression – Safely experimenting with vulnerability in therapy and relationships.
Reframing autonomy – Seeing interdependence as strength, not weakness.
Developing compassion – Learning to relate to the self and others with warmth and acceptance.

As Linda Cundy suggests, the defence against intimacy can be softened not by confrontation, but through consistent, emotionally attuned relationships that respect both distance and desire.

Final reflections

Avoidant attachment in relationships is not a flaw, but a protective pattern forged in the fires of unmet emotional needs. It reflects a longing for closeness that has been wrapped in layers of self-sufficiency, rationality, and control.

With understanding, patience, and relational safety, the defences can begin to loosen. As Linda Cundy so powerfully writes, “Avoidant people are not avoiding people; they are avoiding the feelings people evoke in them.” When those feelings can be met without shame or fear, connection becomes not a threat, but a possibility.

References

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Volume 1 – Attachment. London: Hogarth Press.
Cundy, L. (2018). Attachment and the Defence Against Intimacy: Understanding and Working with Avoidant Attachment, Self-Hatred and Shame. Routledge.
Schore, A. N. (2012). The Science of the Art of Psychotherapy. Norton.
Siegel, D. (2010). The Mindful Therapist. W. W. Norton & Company.
Wallin, D. J. (2007). Attachment in Psychotherapy. Guilford Press.

About Dr Laura Allen –

A Chartered Psychologist & Integrative Therapist, Dr. Allen specialises in a broad range of therapeutic methods. She is a published author of numerous research papers in the field of Positive Psychology. Dr. Allen works one-to-one with clients and supervises other practitioners. She is also a proud member of the British Psychological Society assessment team supporting psychologists in training.