Anxious Attachment in Relationships: The Hidden Cost of Giving Up Autonomy

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Human beings are wired for connection. From infancy, our survival and sense of self are shaped in relationship with others. Yet, not all attachments form in secure conditions. For those with an anxious attachment style, relationships are often fraught with uncertainty, emotional dependency, and an underlying fear of abandonment.

One of the defining features of anxious attachment in relationships is the unconscious trade of autonomy for security - a psychological bargain that may bring temporary relief but ultimately undermines relational and personal wellbeing.

This article explores how anxious-preoccupied attachment develops, the emotional cost of giving up autonomy, and how these relational dynamics persist into adulthood. Drawing on attachment theory and the work of psychoanalytic psychotherapist Lindy Cundy, we examine what happens when the need for reassurance eclipses a stable sense of self.

Relevant Reading: Attached: Are you Anxious, Avoidant or Secure?

The Origins of Anxious Attachment

Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby (1969), explains how early relational experiences shape adult attachment styles. When caregivers are emotionally inconsistent - sometimes responsive, other times distant - a child develops insecure attachment. Specifically, they may become anxiously attached, hyper-vigilant to cues of love or rejection.

Mary Ainsworth’s “Strange Situation” research (1978) identified the anxious-preoccupied attachment pattern in infants who clung to their caregiver but could not be soothed. This anxiety about proximity and separation reflects a deep uncertainty: Is the person I love going to stay, or disappear?

As adults, these individuals often struggle with relationship anxiety, relying on closeness with others to soothe an unstable internal world.

The Impact of Anxious Attachment in Adult Relationships

Anxious attachment in relationships is characterised by an overwhelming need for reassurance, a constant preoccupation with the partner’s availability, and the fear that any distance might signal emotional withdrawal or abandonment.

Common patterns include:

• Fear of abandonment – Minor changes in tone or timing can trigger disproportionate anxiety.

• Emotional dependency – The partner becomes the emotional centre of gravity, leaving little space for internal regulation.

• Loss of self in relationships – The person may over-identify with the relationship, giving up personal needs or autonomy to avoid conflict.

• Clinginess and relational overfunctioning – They often overinvest emotionally and seek excessive closeness to feel secure.

  
  

This dynamic can inadvertently create pressure within the relationship, pushing partners away and ironically reinforcing the person’s core fear of being left.

The Trade-Off: Security at the Expense of Autonomy

At the heart of anxious-preoccupied attachment is a profound dilemma: the belief that in order to stay connected, one must suppress who they are.

1. Self-Silencing to Avoid Rejection

To prevent perceived abandonment, anxiously attached individuals may silence their needs, desires, or discomforts. Rather than risk conflict, they accommodate or appease, often ignoring personal limits or preferences.

“Better to be attached and invisible than real and rejected.”

2. Hyper-Attunement to the Other

Rather than tuning into their own thoughts or feelings, they become preoccupied with the partner’s cues—seeking approval, avoiding disconnection, and internalising any perceived rejection. This emotional dependency results in a disconnection from one's own inner compass.

3. Blurring of Boundaries

Insecure attachment often leads to enmeshment. Autonomy is experienced not as freedom, but as threat. The idea of emotional distance even temporary can provoke panic, leading to behaviours like over-texting, checking in excessively, or feeling betrayed by a partner’s need for space.

4. Idealisation of the Relationship

The anxious partner may idealise the relationship or romanticise emotional intensity as proof of love. This can obscure red flags, delay leaving unhealthy dynamics, and increase self-sacrifice in hopes of maintaining closeness.

Lindy Cundy: A Psychoanalytic Perspective on Anxious Attachment

Lindy Cundy, a psychoanalytic psychotherapist and author, offers deep insight into the lived experience of the anxiously attached individual.

In Anxiously Attached: Understanding and Working with Preoccupied Attachment (2021), she writes about the “anticipatory anxiety” that defines this attachment style. The preoccupied person often over-functions in relationships, anxiously scanning for signs of rejection and adjusting behaviour to secure the other’s presence.

“The preoccupied client lives in anticipation of the other’s response,” she notes, and may “attempt to manage availability” by being compliant, overly giving, or emotionally provocative.

Cundy also explores how digital communication can exacerbate relationship anxiety. In Love in the Age of the Internet (2015), she examines how modern relational dynamics like ghosting, unread messages, or ambiguous online presence mimic early attachment wounds. The result? A reinforcement of the core fear that love is unstable and conditional.

The Emotional Cost of Surrendering Selfhood

While giving up autonomy may temporarily reduce anxiety, the long-term effects can be profoundly damaging. Common consequences include:

• Resentment and burnout – Suppressed needs eventually surface, often as irritability or passive-aggression.

• Low self-esteem – Depending on others for emotional regulation reinforces the belief that one's worth is externally determined.

• Identity loss – The individual’s interests, boundaries, and voice may fade, resulting in a fragmented sense of self.

• Repetition of attachment wounds – Unconsciously, anxiously attached individuals may recreate dynamics of rejection, re-enacting old relational scripts.

  
  

This creates a painful paradox: the harder one tries to secure love by abandoning themselves, the more unstable and unsatisfying the relationship may become.

Healing Begins with Reclaiming Autonomy

Although these patterns are deeply ingrained, healing anxious attachment is possible. Central to this is the understanding that safety in relationships should not require self-abandonment.

Steps toward secure relating include:

• Developing emotional self-regulation – Learning to tolerate relational uncertainty without immediate panic or overreaction.

• Setting healthy boundaries – Recognising that closeness and individuality can coexist.

• Building internal self-worth – Shifting the source of validation from others to self.

• Embracing difference and conflict – Understanding that healthy relationships allow room for disagreement and separateness.

  
  

As Lindy Cundy and other relational thinkers emphasise, transformation lies not in avoiding anxiety at all costs, but in developing the inner resilience to remain connected to oneself and others simultaneously.

Final Thoughts

Anxious attachment in relationships often involves an invisible but powerful exchange: security at the expense of self. While this pattern may have developed as a survival mechanism in early life, it no longer serves adult relationships or emotional wellbeing.

By exploring the dynamics of attachment styles and understanding the emotional costs of giving up autonomy, individuals can begin to shift from fear-based relating to something more secure, balanced, and authentic. As we reclaim our voice, boundaries, and sense of self, we create space for real intimacy—connection that honours both closeness and autonomy.

Further Reading and References

Ainsworth, M. D. S. et al. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Lawrence Erlbaum.

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. London: Hogarth Press.

Cundy, L. (2015). Love in the Age of the Internet: Attachment in the Digital Era. Karnac Books.

Cundy, L. (2021). Anxiously Attached: Understanding and Working with Preoccupied Attachment. Confer Books.

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About Dr Laura Allen  

Dr Laura Allen is a Chartered Psychologist and Integrative Therapist with expertise across a range of therapeutic modalities. A published author in the field of Positive Psychology, she offers personalised one-to-one support, provides supervision for fellow practitioners, and plays an active role in shaping the future of the profession through her work with the British Psychological Society’s assessment team.