What Is Emotional Regulation & How To Improve It

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Emotional regulation and inner parenting are interconnected skills central to emotional wellbeing, resilience, personal growth and psychological flexibility. While emotional regulation refers to the ability to monitor, manage and adapt emotional responses in a way that supports healthy functioning, inner parenting involves cultivating a nurturing, supportive inner dialogue that meets emotional needs and fosters self-compassion.

Together, these skills form a framework for understanding, soothing and guiding oneself through life’s challenges. The importance of effective emotional regulation cannot be overemphasised. It permeates all aspects of our lives, from the relationships we have with ourselves and those we form with others.

Furthermore, our ability to emotionally regulate emanates from the attachment style we form during childhood. It's for this reason why an entire module in my course, Understanding Attachment Types, is dedicated to what is emotional regulation and how to improve it.

This review will explore each concept, their theoretical underpinnings and practical applications, as well as the ways they can complement each other in therapeutic and personal development contexts.

So, let’s begin by exploring the question:

What is emotional regulation

Emotional regulation is generally defined as the process by which individuals influence which emotions they experience, when they experience them and how they are expressed (Gross, 1998). It is not about suppressing emotions but about managing them in ways that align with long-term goals, values and wellbeing.

Effective regulation supports mental health, reduces impulsive or maladaptive behaviours and improves interpersonal relationships (Aldao, Nolen-Hoeksema, & Schweizer, 2010). Poor regulation, on the other hand, has been linked to anxiety disorder, depression, emotional instability and difficulties in attachment (Koole, 2009).

Emotional regulation theories and models

Several psychological models provide insight into how emotional regulation develops and operates:

1. Gross’s process model (1998) – Outlines strategies for regulating emotions, divided into antecedent-focused (before the emotion fully emerges) and response-focused (after the emotion has been triggered) approaches. Antecedent-focused strategies include situation selection, situation modification and attentional deployment, while response-focused strategies involve reappraisal and suppression.

2. Attachment theory (Bowlby, 1969; Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016) – Suggests that early relationships with caregivers shape regulation patterns. Securely attached individuals tend to have stronger regulation skills, while insecure attachment styles may lead to over- or under-regulation.

3. Polyvagal theory (Porges, 2011) – Emphasises the role of the autonomic nervous system in emotional regulation, highlighting how safety cues and co-regulation with others can shift physiological states to support calm and connection.

Inner parenting: Definition and purpose

Inner parenting refers to the practice of consciously taking on the role of a wise, compassionate and nurturing internal caregiver. It draws on the understanding that many adults carry unmet emotional needs from childhood, which can manifest in self-criticism, feelings of unworthiness, or difficulty self-soothing. As Bowlby famously said:

'We're only as needy as out unmet needs.'

Through inner parenting, individuals learn to meet these needs themselves, offering self-talk, behaviours and emotional responses that a healthy, supportive caregiver might have provided.

Theoretical roots of Inner parenting

The concept is influenced by several psychological traditions:

1. Transactional analysis (Berne, 1961) – Identifies the “Parent,” “Adult,” and “Child” ego states. Inner parenting can be seen as cultivating a balanced and nurturing “Parent” state to guide the “Child” within. "The Adult's function," Berne observes in Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy, "is to validate data in the parent."

2. Schema therapy (Young et al., 2003) – Focuses on healing maladaptive schemas through “limited reparenting,” where therapists model healthy parental responses, which the client can later internalise.

3. Inner child work – Popularised in humanistic and psychodynamic circles, this involves reconnecting with and caring for vulnerable aspects of the self that developed in early life (Whitfield, 1987).

Skills and practices in Inner parenting

Inner parenting typically involves:

• Self-compassion – Offering kindness rather than criticism during moments of difficulty (Neff, 2003).

• Emotional validation – Acknowledging feelings without judgement, allowing space for expression.

• Boundary setting – Providing internal guidance to protect wellbeing, much like a good parent sets limits for safety.

• Nurturing rituals – Engaging in comforting, affirming behaviours that promote emotional security.

Practical examples include speaking to oneself with warmth, writing letters to one’s inner child and visualising oneself offering comfort to a younger version of the self.

Emotional regulation and inner parenting interplay

While emotional regulation focuses on how we manage emotions, inner parenting influences why and from what stance we manage them. An individual may have technical regulation skills – such as cognitive reappraisal – but without a compassionate inner parent, these skills can feel mechanical or self-critical.

Similarly, an inner parenting practice without regulation skills may be nurturing in intent but ineffective in managing intense emotional states. Integrating the two allows for both competence and compassion – responding to emotions with skill while also providing warmth and reassurance.

For example, during a moment of anger, emotional regulation might involve slowing the breath and reframing the situation, while inner parenting might add an internal message such as: “I understand why you feel upset. Let’s take a moment to calm down before we respond.”

Now that we’ve reviewed the question what is emotional regulation, including relevant theories and models, and assessed how it relates to inner parenting, let’s turn our attention to emotional regulation in relationships. This following section is helpful for understanding how our emotional states impact those around us.

What is emotional regulation in relationships?

Those who strengthen their own emotional regulation and practice consistent inner parenting often pass these benefits on to others. By modelling calm responses and compassionate self-talk, they provide children, partners, or clients with living examples of healthier ways to manage emotions and improve their emotional intelligence.

Decades of observational research show that children tend to closely emulate the behaviours of their primary caregivers. Moreover, growing evidence suggests that moods and behaviours are highly transmissible, with young people being particularly sensitive to these influences.

This intergenerational effect is especially relevant for parents and carers seeking to break cycles of emotional neglect or reactive conflict. Emotional regulation is learned not only through explicit teaching but also – perhaps more powerfully – through the everyday emotional patterns modelled by caregivers (Eisenberg et al., 1998).

Recognising that emotions can be ‘caught’ as well as taught should encourage anyone working closely with young people to develop their own regulation skills. In doing so, they demonstrate that appropriate emotional responses are both possible and beneficial, fostering healthier relationships and emotional resilience across generations.

How to improve emotional regulation

Therapeutic approaches often focus on building awareness, expanding coping strategies and improving physiological balance. Some evidence-based methods include:

• Cognitive reappraisal – Changing the meaning of a situation to alter its emotional impact. This technique is used in Victor Frankle's Logotherapy.

• Mindfulness-based approaches – Enhancing non-judgemental awareness of the present moment to reduce reactivity (Kabat-Zinn, 1990).

• Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) – Teaching specific emotional regulation skills, such as identifying emotions, opposite action and self-soothing (Linehan, 2014).

• Somatic practices – Using breathwork, grounding and body-based interventions to shift nervous system states.

Emotional regulation in therapeutic practice

Therapies such as Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) explicitly teach emotional regulation skills.

• DBT combines mindfulness, distress tolerance and emotion regulation strategies to help individuals respond to emotional triggers more effectively (Linehan, 1993).

• ACT encourages acceptance of emotions alongside values-based action (Hayes et al., 1999).

Everyday practices for better emotional regulation

• Mindful breathing: Pausing to focus on the breath during stressful moments. (Try these other mindfulness exercises.)

• Emotion journaling: Writing about emotional experiences to clarify thoughts and feelings.

• Physical activity: Exercise as a mood regulator.

• Self-compassion exercises: Speaking to oneself with kindness during difficulty (Neff, 2003).

Applications in therapy and coaching

Both emotional regulation and inner parenting are valuable in therapeutic and coaching contexts. Therapists may help clients identify their regulation patterns, develop healthier strategies and replace harsh self-talk with a nurturing inner voice.

Coaches, particularly in the fields of wellbeing and leadership, often use these skills to help clients remain calm under pressure, make thoughtful decisions and model healthy emotional habits to others.

In trauma-informed practice, these skills are essential. Survivors of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) often have underdeveloped regulation abilities due to inconsistent or harmful caregiving (Felitti et al., 1998). Robert Sapolsky makes this point in his book, Behave: The Biology of Humans at their Best and Worst. He argues that those that score high on ACEs' questionnaire, are more likely to struggle with maintaining mental health in adulthood. But inner parenting work can help repair these deficits, while regulation techniques provide stability in the healing process.

Challenges and limitations

While both concepts are powerful, there are challenges:

• Deep-rooted patterns – Long-standing emotional responses and critical inner voices can be resistant to change without sustained effort.

• Cultural differences – Some cultures place less emphasis on emotional expression or self-nurturing, which can affect engagement with these practices.

• Over-parenting the self – In some cases, individuals may become overly protective or indulgent with themselves, avoiding necessary discomfort for growth.

Addressing these challenges requires balance – cultivating warmth without enabling avoidance and building regulation skills without emotional suppression.

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Conclusion

Emotional regulation and inner parenting are complementary skills that enhance emotional resilience, self-compassion and psychological wellbeing. Drawing from cognitive, attachment-based and somatic perspectives, they provide a framework for managing emotions effectively while also addressing unmet emotional needs from earlier life stages.

By combining practical regulation techniques with the warmth and care of inner parenting, individuals can create a more balanced, compassionate inner world – capable of navigating both the ordinary stresses and the deeper challenges of life.

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References

• Aldao, A., Nolen-Hoeksema, S., & Schweizer, S. (2010). Emotion regulation strategies across psychopathology: A meta-analytic review. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(2), 217–237.

• Berne, E. (1961). Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. New York: Grove Press.

• Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York: Basic Books.

• Felitti, V. J., et al. (1998). Relationship of childhood abuse and household dysfunction to many of the leading causes of death in adults. American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 14(4), 245–258.

• Gross, J. J. (1998). The emerging field of emotion regulation: An integrative review. Review of General Psychology, 2(3), 271–299.

• Kabat-Zinn, J. (1990). Full Catastrophe Living. New York: Delacorte.

• Koole, S. L. (2009). The psychology of emotion regulation: An integrative review. Cognition and Emotion, 23(1), 4–41.

• Linehan, M. M. (2014). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Press.

• Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change (2nd ed.). New York: Guilford Press.

• Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualisation of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101.

• Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. New York: Norton.

• Whitfield, C. L. (1987). Healing the Child Within. Deerfield Beach, FL: Health Communications.

• Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema Therapy: A practitioner’s guide. New York: Guilford Press.

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About Dr Laura Allen –

A Chartered Psychologist & Integrative Therapist, Dr. Allen specialises in a broad range of therapeutic methods. She is a published author of numerous research papers in the field of Positive Psychology. Dr. Allen works one-to-one with clients and supervises other practitioners. She is also a proud member of the British Psychological Society assessment team supporting psychologists in training.